The backwards way of Jesus.

A couple of years ago on our 40th wedding anniversary, God opened my eyes to some wisdom for a marriage with some miles on it.  If, like us, you are in for the long haul, enjoy these counter-cultural tips from a surprising source.

Yesterday I opened my Bible, asking God if he had a word for our marriage, as we celebrate 40 years of staying married through good times and bad.  God knows what is ahead for us, as well as the places where we rub each other like sandpaper even now.

Sometimes we just bug each other.  Sometimes we wound each other, either knowingly or obliviously.  And all those little wounds can slowly build a wedge between us.

“What would you like me to know?” I asked the Lord, thinking vaguely of the stuck places where our love and our harmony can get off course. 

Boom!  He took me quickly to Romans 12. 

Now, Romans 12 is not about marriage.  It’s encouragement for Jewish and Gentile believers, who didn’t have a lot in common in the first century, advice for living together in harmony in the body of Christ.   

As such it seems to be great advice for two very different people living together as believers in marriage as well!  In church and in marriage, everyone is a sinner, and all are redeemed by Christ, so there is no place for thinking that you are better than your partner.  You will be better at some things, and they will be better at others. Where you (or they) are weak, there is likely to be a bit of friction.  So the call to live humbly and openly among imperfect, growing believers feels so real, so perfectly appropriate to the two of us, learning (yes, still learning after 40 years) to live in harmony and grace with the one we chose to love.

Here are a few gems from Romans 12:

Do not be conformed to this world, but …discern what is the will of God (v2).

It is easy to listen to popular “wisdom” that is really man-made.  That usually looks something like being fair, making sure your rights aren’t trampled on.  These are pretty popular messages, and easy to find on social media.  But that is not the “backwards way of Jesus”!  He is not like us.  He says things like,

• “For whoever wants to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for My sake will save it.” (Luke 9:24)

• “By this we have known love, because He laid down His life for us; and we ought to lay down our lives for our brothers.”  (1 John 3:16)

I’m pretty human, so sometimes human wisdom sounds great to me!  Fairness.  Being self-protective.  Asserting your rights.  But that is not the way of Jesus!

• “I am among you as one who serves.” (Luke 22:27)

• “Speak the truth in love.” (Ephesians 4:15)

A great place to start when it come to marital advice is to expect the world to have a different idea than God does about marriage.  Go to Christ, not the latest fad, for lasting wisdom.

Don’t think of yourself more highly than you ought (v3).

The way of Jesus is humility. 

• “Come unto me, all you who are weary and heavy laden.  …For I am meek and lowly in heart.  And you will find rest for your souls.”  (Matthew 11:28-29)

Yes, you will be gifted in some ways that your spouse is not!  And that’s good thing for both of you.  They, too, are gifted in entirely different areas, in places where you are weak.  If you can see and honor their point of view, you will both benefit.

Don’t think of yourself more highly than you ought.

Having gifts that differ…, let us use them (v6).

Let’s say you have the PERFECT spouse!  Great!  Still, you are necessary, too.  Don’t just copy your spouse.  Be you!  Show up with what is unique about you, and you both will be blessed and enriched.

Do you know what your gifting is?  Where does your personality shine?  Be content to be uniquely you, and show up with all that God has gifted you with.

• “Each of you should use whatever gift you have received to serve others, as faithful stewards of God’s grace in its various forms.” (1 Peter 4:10)

Let love be genuine (v9).

This is a hard one for me sometimes.  Frankly, sometimes I’m just ticked, and don’t feel loving.  Maybe my heart is wounded but I don’t want to risk bringing my wound to the table for discussion, so I am less than sincere. I fake that I’m loving.

Don’t bother.  Let love be genuine, says Paul.  Don’t fake it just to look like the better partner.  If you aren’t feeling the love, ask God to help you love your partner humbly and honestly, from your heart.  And ask Him, too, if this is an area where you need to bring the offense to the table, or if this is one you can just let it go.  But one thing that is not a biblical option for you is being disingenuous.

Abhor what is evil; hold fast to what is good (v9).

Love doesn’t mean we always gloss everything over. 

If we are walking in the truth, we will sincerely see areas where our spouse is not always walking in the truth; their nasty underbelly is showing!  Here’s the truth: If something is evil, it is God-honoring to abhor it!  Evil never takes you where you want to go.  So whether you or your spouse are the one off course, take it to God and ask for his intervention.  Abhor what is evil.

But this advice is a two-sided coin:  While you are not going to pretend sin isn’t sinful and you may need to speak up about it, remember to be as diligent to “hold fast to what is good” as you are to abhor sin!  Find good and hold onto it.  We have such a negativity bias; it’s easy to focus on what is frustrating.  Look for what is good.  Hold it up to the light, like a diamond.  Take the time to admire it.  Build a storehouse of positivity in your brain and your spirit to help balance out the bumpy times.

Outdo one another in showing honor (v10).

It’s 40 years for me, and sometimes the honor wears thin, especially if we have let resentment take root.  This is such a beautiful word picture. Don’t wait around for your spouse to treat you with honor.  Be first! 

Remember that they are made differently than you, and look for their language of love and honor.  “Outdo” them in honoring them!  Tell them where they shine.  Boast about them to others.  Be the one who always calls them back to the beautiful person they are.

What is one way you can show honor to your husband or wife? 

Rejoice in hope (v12).

We can’t help but see the faults of our partner, or feel wounded by them.  Again, that negativity bias thing!  Yes, speak truth.  And yes, take that hard thing to the Lord.  But then, don’t live like all is lost! 

Remember that your hope is not in your partner, but in a God who is working to make them like himself.  He is at work.  So find hope, and find some joy and laughter in your very real, in-process marriage.

And then…

Be patient in tribulation (v12).

Wait.  For the long haul. 

Hard times call for patience.  No one can hurt us like our beloved.  Often we want one thing from our mate, but they come at us through their own pain.  Expect hard things.

• “In this world you will have tribulation.”  (John 16:33)

But wait! The rest of that verse says...

• “...But be of good cheer; I have overcome the world!”

So be patient in tribulation. It's okay to smile, even while the two of you are still in process.

Be constant in prayer (v12).

In great times and in hard times, keep on praying.  God’s word says,

• “You do not have because you do not ask.” (James 4:2)

So ask!  Be constant, faithful, in praying for your spouse and for yourself in marriage.

I know--that word “constant”!  Doesn’t that mean all the time?  Well, yes!  In fact in 1 Thessalonians it says it even more plainly: 

• “Pray without ceasing,” or, “Pray without stopping!”  (1 Thessalonians 5:17)

Just keep praying.  Don’t stop.  

Live in harmony with one another (v16).

Ouch; I’m feeling grumpy about this one today.  Sometimes don’t you feel like it’s the other guy’s turn to be nice for a change? 

(I’m pretty sure they feel the same!)

Look, living in harmony doesn’t mean pretending everything is great when it is not.  Find a safe way/place/time to regularly air your wounds and hurts.  And listen while they air theirs!  Try to feel what their heart feels behind that critique, and have empathy for their wounded spirit.

The idea is not to debate who is right or wrong, but to find a way for two imperfect lovers to keep on loving.  To keep on believing in one another.  To keep on forgiving and finding something to enjoy or laugh about together.  Seek harmony like it’s hiding and wanting to be found… because it is. 

Live in harmony with one another.

• “Finally, all of you, be like-minded and sympathetic, love as brothers, be tenderhearted and humble.”  (1 Peter 3:8)

Do not be haughty (v16).

Ouch.

Now, I never think I’m acting haughty or proud.  But honestly?  I know my heart.  I know that there are days when I think he got a better deal than I did!  We all are aware of how hard we work at the things that matter to us, and we are quick to be understanding and forgiving of ourselves when we screw up.  But for some reason, it’s hard to be as forgiving toward my spouse.  I confess to sometimes feeling self-righteous and (gulp) the “H” word. 

Haughty and harmony can’t co-exist.  Don’t be haughty.  Confess this one daily to the Lord, if you need to!  I do.

Never be wise in your own sight (v16).

Ug—this is another way of touching on that haughty, prideful thing.

Look: you ARE smarter than your spouse in some things!  Thank goodness, you have something to bring to enrich your marriage.  But guess what?  They have wisdom that doesn’t come naturally to you, too.  So even if you are smarter in This One Thing, don’t consider yourself wise.  Be humble, gentle.  Like Jesus.  Jesus, who is Wisdom itself, was gentle and lowly.

• “Take My yoke upon you and learn from Me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls.” (Matthew 11:29)

If possible, so far as it depends on you, live peaceably with all (18).

Most of the time, when two people of good will are trying to live in harmony, you will live peaceably!  But every once in a while, there will be times when your sweetie will just plain get it wrong.  There will NOT be harmony, and it will sometimes be because they are stubborn or haughty.

And guess what?  Other times YOU will be the one keeping your marriage from being peaceful, with your nagging or critical spirit or insistence that you are right.  We each have a wounded spirit sometimes.

So, do your part.  “As far as it depends on you,” live peaceably with your partner.  And if it’s not you that is the problem, well, at least you’ve done your part.  

If this mini marriage guide were a game board, this square would have divided path options depending upon your answer to the question: “Am I the problem?” 

Answer 1: “I am not the problem.” Go back to verse 12:  Be constant in prayer. Overcome evil with good.  Live peaceably. 

Answer 2: “I am the problem.”  Return to verses 3-10, above.

Overcome evil with good (v21).

If you do find yourself wrongly bearing the unkindness or hostility of your beloved, don’t stop doing good in return.  This, too, is the backwards way of Jesus. 

• “If someone forces you to go one mile, go with him two miles.” (Matthew 5:41)

Sometimes we all need the grace of the Lord Jesus Christ to cover our own ugliness, or the ugliness of our weary or wandering spouse.

. . . . . . . . . .

I’m afraid that too often I have let the siren song of worldly “wisdom” draw me away from the backwards way of Jesus, and toward demanding my rights.  May we step outside the pop-culture path and let the Jesus way lead us back home.

'Tis grace has brought me safe thus far!

And grace will lead me home.

"Amazing Grace", John Newton, 1772